The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a
snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake.
Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three
Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable
collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks,
mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives
and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and
winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series
Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that
maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt
to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in
which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes
presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most
cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand
removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly
to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark
Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living
thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive
authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity
are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional
CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equipment, pilot
cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to
replace broken slingleg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions,
accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood
plain, can't do it because snake is on the endangered species list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.